Okay! So... I've been gone forever it seems, but, well, I'm still alive. Technically. Haven't been doing much. Another hospital visit, which was really helpful since I was very sick at the time. I'm going alright now, just climbing back up slowly. I hate the fragile, walking on eggshells feeling you get after a crash. But, need to be gentle with myself I suppose. I got in contact recently with someone from my past who I haven't talked to for 8 years. It was very emotional, but ultimately, a good thing. I was incredibly happy. For 24 hours. Then, my body and subconscious mind seemed to catch up with my brain (even though I was okay with it all), and just have a conniption of it's own. Without my input. So, okay, body, have you're little WTF, hissy fit, freak out moment and we'll get back on track, okay? Right? Good-o. God, I have never had anxiety or panic attacks like it. I nearly crashed my car a few times, and could barely see straight from adrenaline. Kept almost blacking out as my vision would go black around the edges. My hands tingled and got numb, my heart palpitations never left. It lasted 3 straight days. And I'm talking 24 hours here. I barely slept, and only just managed to eat. I was a complete wreck. Luckily this started just before I went into hospital. When I finally got there, I could barely string a coherent sentence together, they sedated me and I slept for 19 hours. Talk about scary. When I woke the next day, the anxiety was finally waning, but I remained a mess for 5 days, although slowly getting better. I'm okay now, back to normal, but my mood has plummeted a bit.
To be expected I guess. The annoying thing was, I was actually happy about what had happened, I was okay with it. It was scary and nerve-racking and a fucking HUGE step to take, and I took it by myself, my own decision... but my body had other ideas, and that's the thing about anxiety that peeves me the most - sometimes, you just don't know why, and you have no choice. No amount of thought-challenging, CBT, coping skills, deep breathing, etc will help. You've just got to ride it out. With some chemical help :) Meanwhile, I've been looking for a job (yep) and just generally wasting time watching DVDs, creating graphics and funny pictures, getting addicted to social networking, writing more fan fiction, reviewing fan fiction, finishing my downloads and burning of season 5 Supernatural so I have the whole season on DVD, helping an online friend with her novel, trying to do what needs to be done in the house and garden, some photography and editing, going for walks with mum and Jessie, and making sure I have lots of support around me while I'm still a bit fragile. Trying to keep busy is my main focus right now. I need the distraction, to give myself time to get my focus, centre and connection back. Need to repair some of the roots holding me upright, because they got torn up a bit. (And I think there's a branch or two that needs pruning). My wrist got a lot better and I stopped wearing the brace for about 2 weeks. Then 3 days ago, the Tendinitis seemed to come back and I was in pain again, so... brace back on. Annoying, but at least I know what helps it. I'll leave you with a little meme I found today. You can do it if you want, it was fun. (By the way, don't worry, I don't know who half the people are either! Hello Google!). Take care BlogBugs. Cheerio! P.S. Can't remember if I posted this, but I wrote a short Supernatural 'drabble' fic. It's 500 words and you can read it here if you're interested: "I'll Hold You Up If You Hold Me Together". Enjoy :)
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